In Depth:  pastoral care

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

It is so very easy to find a reason not to be gentle. Whether it is within the family, in a debate at church, or in a forum online, most of us are experts at justifying unkind words.

In the face of, what seems to us, others’ unwise, unmeasured, ungodly or simply unthought-through comments, we may quickly default to snapping, lashing out, responding tersely, or putting others down. At times, we may regret our lack of gentleness but, more often, we reassure ourselves that our response was appropriate. After all, some people really do say (or write) the most unhelpful things.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

In this fallen world there are plenty of reasons to be scared. The words, the actions, of others can wound – the uncertainty of life can feel deeply unsettling – the news from across the globe can be utterly heartbreaking. And the church often feels no safer.

Accusations, disappointments, scandals, opposition, hurt, heresy and decisions to be made, all weigh heavily on our hearts. No wonder fear is such a dominant feature of our modern lives.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

There are days when the to-do list does not feel very exciting. Weeks when the things calling for our attention feel deeply mundane.

That pile of emails, that piece of bureaucracy, that message that needs passing on – hardly cutting-edge ministry, just stuff that needs to be done. Many of us would prefer to spend our time on things that feel more strategic, more impactful – after all, what eternal fruit comes from signing some cards, chatting about refreshments or filling in a form? But take a closer look at God’s word and we see the little things of life can be filled with meaning and value; they are the context in which much can be transformed.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Human beings do not like to wait.

Whether it is the frustration of being on hold with customer services, the irritation of a laptop restarting before an important call or the inconvenience of an absent train, we quickly rage when things we think should happen instantly are delayed.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Reputation matters, and when our reputation is dragged through the mud life can feel very painful indeed.

I’m not referring to times when we have fallen into sin and people begin to see us differently – that, whilst painful, is often a necessary part of true repentance and restoration. Nor those times when verbal abuse is part of a wider context of coercion or control. I mean those moments when people say things about us that are unjust or unfair. That professional slur, that inaccurate piece of gossip, that foundationless accusation – they cut to the core and leave us reeling with hurt.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Everyone in leadership wants to be surrounded by people who are loyal.

In any team, it’s important to have people pulling in the same direction, motivated by the same goal. In God’s family, unity should be the norm – it’s how we are created to be (Eph.4:5-14). In the early church, leaders actively called out divisions that were dishonouring to God (Phil.4:2-5).

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Being let down hurts. It can leave us feeling isolated to the core.

I’m not talking here about the kind of being let down that comes from gross moral failure, or malicious betrayal. I mean the kind of being let down that happens when people just don’t show up to help. The kind of being let down that stems from people staying silent in a debate; deciding not to give; forgetting to pray for an important life event or choosing not to jump to our defence (or our cause) in a social media storm.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

I don’t like waiting. Most of us don’t. Whether it’s waiting for the bus or for prayer to be answered, waiting is hard.

Right now I can think of friends waiting for an improvement in a health condition; waiting for the restoration of a broken relationship; waiting for a family member to come to Christ; waiting for a ministry opportunity; waiting for justice to come. They’re all clear that it hurts.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

There are days when our mind just doesn’t focus. Days when we can’t follow the thread of a podcast, can’t progress our to-do list, can’t write that email.

Nothing seems to flow. It’s as if someone has taken our natural concentration, screwed it up into a ball, and tossed it out into the garden. And we’re left staring blankly at our screens.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

‘I didn’t mean to.’ It’s the sort of phrase that trips off the tongue with ease.

It describes well the randomness of life – the fact that sometimes things just pop out of nowhere. This morning, I didn’t mean to overbalance whilst sneezing and stand on my cat’s tail, but I did. Accidents do happen. And they will continue to do so until Jesus returns.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Ministry is a privilege. It’s a hugely high call. And whether we’re full time and paid, or volunteering a few hours within the local church, we can all know we have a part to play in the greatest mission the world has ever known.

It’s wonderful to help people come to Christ and grow in their faith, in all the circumstances of life. The process of pointing people to Jesus can be a joy. The relational depth, a delight. When we glimpse the fruit God is bringing into people’s lives, we can be stirred to praise. But, just between you and me, that’s not how we always feel, is it?

Helen Thorne-Allenson

It’s not a skill we tend to teach. After all, it’s not an outcome we want to see. But learning to fail well is something that every Christian needs to do.

We live post-Fall – frailty and rebellion are constant companions of us all – and there is no way any of us can get through this life (this day, even) without messing up in ways that dishonour the Lord and cause others pain. Anything that happens as often as this needs a well-thought-through plan!

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Do you ever feel as if you are letting everyone down? The inbox is out of control. The people you’ve been meaning to phone still haven’t heard from you. The to-do list is spiralling. And, even when you do meet with someone, you’re conscious they’re not getting your best (It’s not just you! Ed.).

At times like this we know that life isn’t sustainable, but we also desperately want to deliver what we (or others) think we should. So, distracted, demoralised and demotivated, we try to plod on, hoping that – one day, if we try hard enough – we’ll manage to catch up. If that doesn’t work, we can always run away, we remind ourselves – subconsciously at least, that’s often our Plan B.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

How are you feeling this Advent? What’s going through your mind?

Top of the list for many of us is ‘there is exhaustion’ – the last two years have been extraordinary and, while things are more normal than they have been in a while, the cumulative effect of the pandemic-induced changes and challenges lives on. We’re looking forward to Christmas but, if we’re honest, we’d rather have a nice long nap.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Blindness is taken very seriously in my family. As the daughter of someone who lost their sight, it’s been drilled into me to make sure nothing is going astray with my eyes. I get regular check-ups – it wouldn’t even occur to me to miss. But I suspect few of us, myself included, are that diligent when it comes to spiritual sight.

In the Bible, spiritual blindness is a term used mostly of those outside the church – people whose spiritual condition means they can’t see Christ for who He truly is. His Lordship, holiness, goodness, graciousness all completely miss their gaze and will continue to do so until God opens their eyes. But that’s not the only time we find the term ‘blind’.

pastoral care

Helen Thorne-Allenson

Corporate change takes time. Whether we’re thinking of the serious challenges facing our whole constituency or the more localised struggles of the church of which we are part, we all have to wrestle with the fact that community progress towards Christlikeness comes in the form of gradually growing fruit.

If we’re honest, many of us don’t like that fact. Often, we’d quite like it if God could just change things now. We may never say it, but we can act as if progressive sanctification isn’t one of God’s better ideas.