Do you listen in order to understand?

In my last few articles we are looking at how the apostle James views the ‘respectable’ sins that we allow to take root and grow in us unchecked.

So, on to another of James’ diagnostic tests. I read something recently that hit a nerve: ‘One of the biggest problems with our communication is that we do not listen to understand, we listen to reply.’

James famously has a lot to say about our words in his letter because there is no clearer test of what’s going on in my heart and with the most powerful muscle in my body – my tongue! What comes tumbling out of my mouth will very quickly reveal the state of my heart.

James says in 1:19-21: ‘My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent, and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you’.

James asks if you are quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry? Or the opposite? Slow to listen, quick to speak and very quick to get angry? It’s the old saying - we’ve got two ears and one mouth, so we should use them in that ratio, 2:1.

But we so quickly get it the wrong way round and as soon as you start speaking, you stop listening. And if you stop listening, you’re more likely to speak angrily, which James says ‘does not bring about the righteous life God desires’. It’s not part of his ‘making me more like Jesus’ project.

So, why are we so fond of the sound of our own voices? Isn’t it that, once again, we just think far too highly of ourselves? It is once again a symptom of our proud hearts.

Maybe we think we are good at controlling what we say – but it’s when we get nudged, isn’t it, like teacups on a tray: when someone contradicts us or interrupts us; or doesn’t pay us the respect we think we deserve; when I’m alone in my car, driving, and someone doesn’t thank me for letting them out. It’s in those situations or many others like them that the real me is uncovered and it’s not a pretty sight or sound.

We not only like to put others down, we also like to big ourselves up. Over time, we devise clever little tricks, little phrases which we think disguise our boasting. We repeat someone’s praise of us to others, or tell people what we do with our time, or fish for compliments by putting ourselves down.

But no one is fooled, really. We’re just too polite to challenge each other (my personal favourite is – ‘Uh oh, unexpected item in the bragging area…’). No. We just think bad thoughts about each other: ‘He’s so big-headed’ or ‘She’s not an easy person.’

But why does it make us so cross when people talk about themselves? I wonder if it’s because, actually, we hate their implication that we’re not as important as they are, or as ill, or as busy, or as tired – whatever it is, they should be focusing on us!

Do you do that thing when someone is telling you a story about themselves and you find yourself trying to trump their story with one of your own that’s better, funnier more dramatic? They call it called story topping! I do it all the time. I like to call it empathy – making connections. Actually, it is really me secretly thinking I’m more interesting or amusing than they are, that what I have to say is more important.

That’s why we try and outdo each other in conversation, isn’t it – what we really want to say is: ‘Anyway – enough about you...’

So James says, speak less – and listen more. We will think more about that next time. In the meantime, let’s ask the Holy Spirit to make us much more conscious of how much we say, what we say and how we say it.

‘Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin’ (Prov.13:3).