Sex and the single 30-something

This is an issue I have been dealing with for many years and here are some of my conclusions.

What God says

If you are not married, God says you should abstain from sex. Why? Because God designed sex as a covenant act between a husband and a wife, a gift of intimacy with the person you have chosen to spend the rest of your life with. It is a physical act and a spiritual act and the only safe place for it is marriage. So, even when you are in your 30s and still single, you are called to refuse to have sex until you marry.

I don’t pretend it’s easy, but of course it’s possible. I know that, not only because it’s true that ‘nothing is impossible with God’ (Luke 1.37), but, more pertinently, because, up until now, I’ve actually lived it.

Celibacy in your 30s?

It is flying in the face of society’s norms. It is being completely counter-cultural in our world where the prevailing attitude is one of, ‘me first; I want it so I should have it; I want it now, so I shouldn’t have to wait for it’. This alone makes it extremely difficult. Added to that, every time you switch on the television, sex is referred to, implied or even seen. We’re surrounded by it on billboards, in films, on magazine racks — the whole of popular culture assumes that everyone is doing it. And they do their best to convince you that sex is the be-all and end-all of life. You should be having lots, and it should be extremely satisfying. If that’s not the case, you are definitely missing out on the best thing this life has to offer.

Where girls fall

Not just sex, but romance too. This is where we girls fall down. The romantic ideal of being ‘in love’ forever, just like the fairytales imply, is also thrown at us from all sides. All we have to do is find it. So we go looking for it. Around every corner, in every friendship with a member of the opposite sex. And do we find this fulfilling, overpowering, never-ending passionate love? Of course not, because God is the only one who can supply love like that.

So our society is telling us celibate singles that we haven’t quite made it as real grown-ups. Add to that our own dreams and expectations from the teenage years onwards of eventually getting married and, when it doesn’t happen, the sadness of unfulfilled expectations can become overwhelming. And with each passing year in our 30s, we see the likelihood of marriage becoming dimmer as the field of prospective marriage partners grows smaller. For me, each birthday is a step away from my dream of marriage and children being realised.

And then there are our God-given hormones which are clamouring for release or satisfaction in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex. The older we get, the harder it becomes to ignore the biological urge.

Once in a while

And once in a while, on the horizon appears the possibility of someone being romantically interested in you. A friendship becomes romantic. And, at this point, the hormones begin screaming at you. It takes an enormous amount of willpower to deny the urge to have sex. Many, many people fall here. It is very easy to get carried away by the moment and too many of us do.

We easily fall into the trap of self-pity; ‘Woe is me, here’s something I want, something that God says is good and right, but God hasn’t given it to me. It’s not fair!’

Many married people, when faced with a single person who expresses their agony, despair or frustration, quickly respond with the familiar clichŽ, ‘Marriage isn’t a bed of roses, you know’. That’s beside the point. It’s got very little to do with what marriage is actually like, it’s mostly about our own expectations, hopes and dreams not being fulfilled. Here’s an extract from a letter I wrote to a friend at a particularly low point:

‘I KNOW singleness is part of God’s plan for me and that it’s a precious part of who I am at the moment and that he likes me this way. I KNOW I would not be happy being married at the moment, because it would be to the wrong person. I KNOW that marriage is hard work and there are many many issues it creates that I don’t have to deal with. I KNOW that being single gives me a freedom I could not have if I were married; freedom to spend my time the way I choose and to follow God without having to take into account another person’s views. I KNOW that it doesn’t matter where I am, if God wants me to get married, he’ll provide the right person at the right time, and I would not want anything less than someone who is just right for me. I KNOW that my longing for marriage is really a representation of my longing for God and that marriage will never fulfil me, that I won’t ever be fulfilled until I get to heaven. And I know God wants to be everything to me and he can fulfil me in ways a husband never could.’

However, all this knowledge made absolutely no difference whatsoever to the extreme emotions I was feeling at the time, the strong desire for companionship and physical and emotional intimacy with a man. These emotions are what can lead us into dangerous situations and we need to be extremely self-controlled and strong-willed to resist their pull in that direction.

Possible in your 30s?

It’s hard. There are no fast answers, no quick-fix solutions. It’s about trusting God and clinging onto him when you can’t see even a millimetre ahead on the path in front of you. It did get better for me in time, but not through anything I did, read or heard; it was simply the grace of God reaching into my life and lifting me up out of the darkness. My situation didn’t change but my feelings about it did.

The only way it is possible to remain celibate is by focusing on God. We must shift our focus from ‘me’ and ‘my problems and feelings’ to the Lord God, who is the one who loves us and knows us more intimately than anyone else ever will. I don’t pretend that doing that is easy, nor that it will automatically make us feel better. There are times when the effort of looking at God seems more than we can cope with, but it’s worth trying, because God knows where we are emotionally and he doesn’t expect anything more than we can give. However, these times of desperate emotional darkness do pass. We have to wait on the Lord to pull us through and remember that he won’t put us in a situation that is more than we can bear, he will give us the resources we need to get through it in his own time. ‘Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord’ (Psalm 27.14).

How to help ourselves

We should remember that God values our singleness and has given us this gift for this time in our lives, and will bring good out of it, if we allow it. We also need to remember that God has designed each of us as unique individuals, with our own unique path to walk and that, no matter how attractive someone else’s ‘path’ might be, everyone has their own challenges to overcome. For us, the struggle is with singleness; for others it is illness or poverty or bereavement, etc. We also have to recognise that it is through the challenges that we grow closer to God and that intimacy with him is his ultimate goal for us. So we need to value our own singleness.

We need to be careful not to spend too much time talking to others in the same situation about how hopeless it all is, because that can be extremely unhelpful. It keeps us focused on ourselves instead of on God. I’ve found it also helps to make a conscious effort to notice the moments of happiness in solitude and thank God for my singleness in that moment. In the same way, we can take joy in doing things that married people can’t and, when our married friends tell us they envy our freedom, we can again take a moment to thank God for our freedom, instead of saying, ‘yes, but...’ and listing all the disadvantages of singleness!

All these things will help us to change our attitude towards our singleness from a negative one to a more positive one and so will help us stay firm in the face of temptation.

We need to be wise as to the situations we allow ourselves to get into with the opposite sex and, instead of asking, ‘how far can we go?’ we should be careful to set our own boundaries and be steadfast in keeping within them.

Prayer, please

Last of all, remember that Jesus taught us to pray that we wouldn’t be led into temptation and for deliverance from evil. We need to pray that for ourselves regularly, particularly at times when we are feeling emotionally vulnerable, so that we can stay on God’s path for us and resist the devil, who knows our weaknesses and is eager to see us fall.

Married people, please pray for the singles you know to stand firm, not to fall into temptation and to remain celibate. Pray for their spiritual lives to flourish and for them to find their satisfaction in God alone.

Single people, make sure you are accountable to someone for your walk with God. Find a friend, single or married, who you can be completely honest with about your feelings and struggles. Bring it all to God and make it a goal to find your satisfaction in him alone.

I’m not pretending I’ve got it sorted, but it’s a journey I’m on and I’m glad I’ve got the constant companionship of the Holy Spirit to guide and comfort me along the way.

Fiona Cooper is a Redcliffe College graduate currently training teachers in Paraguay with SIM — http://www.fionalouisecooper.blogspot.com/